Kinda-sorta still consistent

So, this is right around the time in the focus process that I start to trail off. I really hate it... Distractions are truly the death of progress for me. I haven't been keeping track of fitness stuff for about the last week, and I feel pretty unhappy about that. I can always get back on track and try again though. I find that when I begin losing focus, I sense a shift in the way that I see myself to more negative and often times I get stuck in that for a while. It's strange, I am doing better in getting music projects done and focusing on work but if I have to juggle more than one or two life things at once, my brain can't handle it.

Can we talk about love/dating for a second and how it affects focus? I know they say that it's important to just focus on yourself and the right one will come. I've been single for a few years now, finding that my pickiness is great and also frustrating. I'm such a hopeless romantic always dreaming of finally being in love with someone who reflects what I value and stand for. So, I won't settle for anything less than that, which often times makes me feel very lonely. I've had a few men that I've dated over the last year who have taught me so much about myself but have also left me feeling emotionally distracted. Just when I think I've finally found someone I can grow with, I'm either friend-zoned or our desires don't align. I haven't been dating as much these last few months while trying to build a healthy mental space, but DAMNIT, I'm a sucker for intimacy and connection. Recently I've been seeing a couple different men and it has been going fine. But one of them has been really confusing for me. Even when I wasn't looking for it, the confusion found me. Should I just completely isolate myself from connection so I don't lose my focus? Sounds truly awful. I'm only human, after all. It's so incredibly difficult to balance the need for love with work and focus. Being in the arts, if I can't concentrate, my work is horrible. I think if I found a partner that supported the focus, it would make it easier for me. But until then, I'll keep patiently waiting, even though I'm definitely not getting any younger.

I'm thankful to at least have my family who is always there for me and grounds me. They are really the only people that I actually talk to on the phone, and our Sunday calls are so cherished. I talked to my parents yesterday and my poor dad is still having issues with his blood pressure and medicinal regimen. I hope I'll be able to go see them soon, but his doctor still said no until his BP issues are sorted or managed a bit better.

I also started live streaming with an agency these last couple of weeks. It's been going well, pushing me out of my comfort zone. I haven't been making much progress on there either though so I might need to try some other things to get more people to come interact with me. I'm just trying to do things that I wouldn't normally do to expand my mind and break the comfort barrier. No growth comes from staying comfortable and I'm absolutely tired of staying in the same place. Speaking of, I'm gonna go get ready for my walk and workout. Meditation and stretches first :)


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