Is it really worth it though?

I've been contemplating leaving the entertainment business for a while now. The last 8 years have included some highs but so many lows, too many to count. I know that is part of life, but for some reason I always felt like it was so difficult to get anywhere I wanted. A lot of it is my own fault, and I know that but I'd take some positive steps, quickly to be torn down again by something unfortunate. I made the decision to work as an independent artist fully knowing that it is up to me to make something of myself. I can't remember the last time I felt consistently (there's that word again...) balanced emotionally to be able to actually gather momentum in any kind of direction. It's been so much of a struggle for me just getting through the days, I've lost that spark of interest in really doing anything. Especially doing music that I don't feel like I truly enjoy. I'm always being told how to sound, what to write, and it doesn't feel like me at all. I sometimes take jobs on because of the money but there isn't any joy in what I do and that is tragic to me. Music was my safe haven, something that helped me express my emotions and artistic side. But being asked to write a "hit song" or for your vocals to "give goosebumps" makes me feel like they think I'm an art robot. My brain doesn't just work like that. I get paid to do what they ask but sometimes I can't do what they ask because it is outside of my abilities. How can you possibly enjoy what you do artistically when it is being broken down constantly? I can't tell you how many times someone has asked me to re-do something lately. Is it me? Am I just losing my touch? I can't tell, but thoughts of inadequacy rage in my brain daily because of it. Reminds me of my song with KDrew "Enough", saying that there's no telling when I'll feel like I'm ever good enough in anything I do. I know, dramatic. But when my head is in this kind of negative space, I can't help but feel like I really am just not cut out for the entertainment world. I also need something a bit more stable than just random gigs here and there. The issue of privacy and fear of being well known has always held me back. What if my anxiety worsens? Or I try to cope with it in the wrong way? I think it all boils down to just fear though honestly. I'm just a scared little kid, with trauma from my past that makes me believe I don't deserve good things. Why do I self-sabotage? Is being an artist truly worth it though? All the overwhelm and constantly being analyzed by others? I know it's my calling and feel like it's the only thing I'm actually good at, but I push it all away out of fear of those things. Going to continue trying to work through the thoughts I've been having and see where it leads. I don't know if or when I'll come back to music and film, but I want it to be on my terms and do only the things that give me joy. Just need to figure out how to do that while still being able to fix my financial life. I think some meditation and reading and journaling might help me right now, possibly a long walk. I haven't been outdoors in the sun in days. Thanks to anyone to actually reads these.

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