I'm the worst...

Remember when I said I'm not great at being consistent? Well, it's 5 months later and I'm creating blog post #2 soooo, at least I'm consistent with THAT. Still haven't even made a video other than the intro for my YouTube Channel. It's been quite the journey since January with a lot of downs, a few ups, and a ton of "meh". Why can't I feel normal enough to be efficiently creative and focused? Why do I have to go in cycles of productivity where I'm kicking ass getting everything done one moment and then crippled by anxiety and fatigue the next? I got to a point recently debating the topic of antidepressants since I feel like I would get so much done if I could stay focused and not be prone to profound sadness. I got a therapist a couple months back and it's been going decently, except we can't seem to be consistent in that either. One week she will forget to schedule me, next week she is sick. I took a week off for myself because I was having a rough time, but for some reason it's just not lining up properly. I'm hopeful I can get someone that works better, or she and I can finally line up. The darkness was just too overwhelming, and I needed help. A friend encouraged me to get a therapist, so I decided it was time. I was doing so incredibly well with my fitness journey before everything started falling apart for me. I stopped taking care of myself these last few months and gained back the weight I had lost. Been pretty upset with myself for that, but hey, I'm human. I'm trying to learn to be happy with myself no matter what size I am or if my face is broken out with hormonal adult acne (that's also been a struggle for the first time in my adult life). I've spent a lot of time and energy portraying myself in the best light but that's not always honest. I'm trying to be more honest with myself and openly honest with my shortcomings/faults. These last couple of weeks, I've been focused again on taking care of my health and have seen some great improvement so far. It took me 4 months to gain the weight back, it'll take me just as long to get in shape again. Each time I fall, I learn something new about myself, even if it sucks. I have the power to change it if I want and just knowing that now gives me so much more confidence. I think I just need to implement my daily/hourly schedule again since that was the best way for me to focus. I never felt lost or unguided when I stuck with it. I guess the overall theme here is growing the consistency muscle and literal anatomical muscle over time and not getting down when I don't get it right. I think it's better to share where we fall short alongside where we succeed so the falls don't feel so devastating. My next goal is to make my first actual YouTube video and I think I want it to talk about this exactly. Depression and focus/creativity. I was afraid to make a video after I gained a bunch of weight because I didn't want to be judged or look at myself like that. Sad, right? Well, since the trend seems to be that I care what other's think of me, I must begin choosing the opposite to put myself outside of the comfort zone, because THAT is where I will actually grow. It's Monday, a new week, full of so many opportunities and choices. I get to decide how I show up for myself. How lucky am I?

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