Heartache & hamburgers

I've always known I wasn't like most people when it comes to the way I think, feel and express myself. I'm more prone to melancholy than any kind of happiness or positivity. I think I've said this before, but I don't think I've actually ever been happy in my life which is crazy to reflect on... I've had moments that were joyful but I don't ever recall feeling content or happy with life or love. None of my partners were particularly physically attracted to me, and have made that known. But now it's especially difficult to deal with sadness or loneliness from being single for so many years. I've dated and had some great experiences this last year, as well as some terrible ones. But I can't say I've met anyone I particularly admire except for maybe 1-2 people. One man I liked led me on, but I'm glad it didn't work because he seemed toxic anyway. But this most recent man I started hanging with is the complete opposite, and actually helps me grow and learn things I've never known about myself, OR reminds me the things I already know which is also incredibly helpful. The only thing is he isn't able to be available emotionally in the way I'd like. AND the dumb thing is, I already knew that going into it, since he made it clear from the get-go. I just like to try and convince myself I'll be okay even if it doesn't turn out the way that I'd hope for. Well, truth is, I'm definitely not okay. I get so sad most days and feel anxious and just need a hug. I dream about being desired or valued or taken seriously as a partner. To be profoundly in love and someone to feel the same for me. We went on a walk and got some burgers last night as friends which felt nice, but still made me feel awkward since my feelings don't just change all of a sudden just because we decided to take a step back. I always get my hopes up knowing full well I will get hurt, ever the romantic optimist. I constantly work on myself and try to grow as much as possible, but the depressed days tend to outweigh the positive ones. I'm not trying to keep myself in a hole, but I truly do believe that I struggle with emotions more than the average person. I can't just push through it and still function like a lot of people can. When I get depressed, I just shut down. I stop taking care of myself (I haven't really worked out for a week now...), I just want to sleep during the day, I eat too much or too little. Then I get stuck in that cycle and can't get my footing again for a while. It's exhausting, honestly. I just decided I won't date or hang out with any man for a while so that I can try to fully focus on healing. It'll be easier said than done, but it's something that's necessary I think. You know what they say, nothing worth doing is ever easy... I'm going to spend my time this week really grinding and catching up on the things I'm behind with due to depression. Story of my life weekly, though. I'm still trying to be consistent even when I feel like it's impossible.


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