Within the last week, I've felt like my attention has been pulled into so many different directions. There's just too much on my to-do list and it seems like once I complete something, another task is added. BUT I will say, the impending trip out of town has been great motivation for me to try and complete everything on the list so I don't have to think about much while I'm gone. I've been extremely productive and handling things that I've been struggling to take care of for a while now. Though, I have been ignoring taking good care of myself health-wise because of it. I haven't gone to the gym in about 4-5 days and been eating pizza, pad Thai, and mac'n'cheese (uhhh... YUM). The current heat wave also has made me not want to walk anywhere (since I still don't have my car back) so I haven't gotten any healthy groceries either. I can't seem to focus on more than 1 or 2 important things at once or else I get buried by overwhelm. Progress is weird for me sometimes, but I feel good knowing that even when I'm not perfect with how it's executed, I'm still learning and finding better ways to take care of things. I don't have much help and handle almost everything on my own so it's not always graceful. Each time I fuck up, I come back even better than before.
I'll be travelling out of town in about a week for about a month to help my parents move and I'm worried about how my focus will be when I leave. I know it will be great for me to see my parents, but my peace and energy are so incredibly precious, and they typically know how to push my buttons. Any time my routine is disturbed, I notice I tend to take a couple steps back in terms of progress. Those that can't understand what it's like to deal with anxiety or depression don't know that even normal day-to-day things can seem exhausting mentally and physically. There was a 2-year period where I didn't write music barely at all even when I tried my hardest as well as an 8-month span that I cried from morning to night. Even just this year, I spent about 2 months straight sleeping through the days not getting any work done so that I didn't have to be awake to feel the way I felt. I'm thankfully not at that point anymore but it did take me a very long time to get to where I am now. I don't take any antidepressants or medications to help and don't want to, though I have strongly contemplated it and doctors have encouraged me to try them. I just wanted to learn how to be my best, balanced self by training my mind to change and grow. The point is, while I work on myself, that I decided to redirect my attention to mainly me and only the few important people I have in life, which is like 5-6. And these people don't take my energy from me, they actually give me the most positivity and encourage me to do things for myself.
Life is set up in a way to constantly steal our attention from what matters most: ourselves. How can we be there for others if we aren't able to be there for ourselves? We can't. I actually just had a ride in an Uber where the driver told me I am selfish for not wanting to help others and talk to them or give advice. Which I thought was pretty rude at first, but I thought about it... I am absolutely selfish and happy about it. We have to be a bit selfish in order to take care of ourselves. I kindly explained that he misunderstood and that I choose how much of my time I give to people. I will always help and try to be there for others as much as I can, but if someone doesn't want to listen or help themselves and expect you to save them (saying this from experience because I used to be like this), then I can't continue and spend my precious energy on something that will do no good for me. I'm okay with being a bit selfish for a while until I'm strong enough to help others and help myself at the same time. There is no reason to worry about the unknown or other's problems, since it will do nothing for us. It just takes a lot of time and practice to get to a place where focus can grow, you just have to actively choose it (and be a little selfish).